Yesterday was a rough day. Edit that: it's been a rough week and yesterday was especially hard. You woke up with a start, screaming bloody murder at five. Screaming might be an understatement - you were shrieking in pain, arching your back and pushing away from me. If I tried to set you down, you screamed harder. If I tried to snuggle you close, you shoved me away. I changed you, I rocked you, Daddy walked you, I tried to nurse you - nothing worked. You just kept screaming and screaming, tears running down your beautiful blotchy face. Daddy and I finally sat on the bed with you between us, alternating trying to hold and comfort you, at a loss as to what we should do. I was getting upset, feeling like a failure. I can always calm you down quickly. Always. What on earth was wrong? What did I do? What was I not doing?
Then with a whimper, you tooted. Tooted! Even in pain, you grinned with relief. Silver lining.
We burst out laughing, you smiled with a whimper, and all was well for at least a little while. For another two hours the screaming alternated with tooting until you finally fell asleep with me around seven. I was relieved that gas was our problem. I felt terrible that you were hurting but was grateful it was something simple. You hardly ever slow down these days, so having three hours of uninterrupted snuggle-time with you as you slept was amazing. I kept waking up and just staring at you. My eyes were aching, my head hurt, my neck was sore yet I couldn't tear my eyes off of you, touching your nose, smelling your hair, kissing your forehead. You were so peaceful and still, those pursed cherry lips slack with sleep. Beautiful.
Silver lining.
You woke up with a smile and immediately stood up to crawl all over me. The morning went by uneventfully - we hung out in the living room with your toys as we usually do. You were actually in a great mood, squealing and toddling around the room. You kept stealing Reef's toys. He'd look at you confused, nose you, and you'd turn away with his ball. He would go get a new toy and you'd do the same thing again, over and over again. We had a leisurely lunch while I got Daddy's food cooking, and you were perfectly content to sit in your highchair with some puffs and squash.
Naptime. You went down around one. Not your usual time, but after how our morning started, I wasn't expecting the day to be anything but abnormal. I finally laid you down and you rolled over on your side, as always, snoozing away.
Then the doorbell rang and the rest of the day slowly went downhill.
Reef barked, you yelled. You had been asleep for thirty minutes. Thirty! And would not go back down to sleep. The rest of the day felt endless. You screamed, you laughed, you cried, you smiled. The ping-pong of emotions was draining for both of us. Finally, finally, you had your bath and went down for the night.
And slept through the night. For the first time in five months.
Silver lining.
I know you're not due for your monthly letter just yet but I wanted to write down how I'm feeling in this exact moment. Not only for you, but for me. To remember that even on the roughest of days, there is a silver lining. I love you, little Bug.
Love always,
Momma
No comments:
Post a Comment